After my last post, I really thought things would be rough for a few days, maybe a week…okay, maybe two weeks. Here we are, a month after I worked that stupid extra shift, and I am still on the struggle bus. Since we got back from Phoenix, and the mess that was my last race, I’ve had to take quite a bit of time off work. I had no idea that this hole I had dug for myself was actually the Grand Canyon, but here I am at the bottom, looking at these huge cliff faces and wondering how in the hell to get back out.
It feels like time travel, like I was suddenly transported to 8 years ago. This past weekend I made the mistake of vacuuming. Let me clarify: I vacuumed the rug in the living room, and then I had to lie down for 2 hours. I had to wear noise-cancelling headphones when Josh finished the vacuuming the following day. The lights in the house have been dimmed, I’ve even pulled light bulbs out of fixtures that can’t be dimmed. I can’t safely drive. Right now, I can’t even open my eyes while the car is moving without feeling disoriented and nauseous. I haven’t been in a store in the last month, or watched TV, or comfortably been in a restaurant. I’ve been sleeping 10-12 hours a night. Gradually I have returned to work, and I can get through my day, but only if I heavily restrict what I do outside of work.
My doctor and neurologist don’t have great explanations. A recheck MRI showed no changes from previous imaging. Brain injury is the gift that keeps on giving. It has been 8.5 years since my crash. The fact that I can have a regression this major after this long is just unreal to me.
I’m trying really hard not to let the frustration overwhelm me, and I am incredibly thankful to my husband for all his support. I’m thankful for my friends who have driven me to appointments so Josh doesn’t have to keep missing work. My clinic has been dimming lights, adjusting my schedule, and building in extra breaks during my day to allow me to keep working and not have to step away again. They’ve been amazing.
Through all of this, I have continued running. Just like before, it is the one thing I can do to make myself feel better, and the hour or two after my morning run is typically the best I feel all day. So we are going to Moab tomorrow for a three-day stage race. I hope that all the miles will be healing, but at the rate I’ve been seeing improvements, I’m pretty sure getting out of the “Grand Canyon” is going to be a long process. One step at a time.
That is all I can write for now.
You’re a pro. You’ve been here before and know what to do… small movement forward is still forward motion, no matter how incrementally small the move is, or how many setbacks you’ve had to face. 🙌
But I’m frustrated and bummed out for ya. This sucks!!!!!!! Urg! (Insert adult version of a toddler meltdown, with arms, legs and body flailing on the ground in frustration). 😫
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you (*again). It sucks so bad. I understand and see ya.
Signed,
one experienced setback hole climber 🤦♀️🤣
Yikes, sorry to read about this. I assume your doc specializes in concussion/PPCS/TBI, yea? I’ve been learning so much from mine, and also from the concussion specialty course I’ve been taking as a PT… like that apparently I’ve been setting myself back every time I race an ultra as my ANS can’t handle it. I’ve been grounded from running/riding since Jan except for the strict exercise protocol he’s got me on. He definitely doesn’t want me to run or ride if I’m having any dysautonomia symptoms. It’s crazy how every brain injury is different. Guess you have to just trust your team and your process, hopefully doing an ultra race in your current condition doesn’t set you back more. Best of luck. 🤞🏽
Thanks Liz. I have several friends with dysautonomia symptoms, and that is never something that I have struggled with. It sounds absolutely awful and I’m sorry you are going through that. Most of my issues are vertigo, light and sound sensitivity, along with fatigue and migraines. All of the ultras I have done (minus the one last month) have all made me feel fantastic. Honestly it is why I kept doing them. I was cognitively normal for days after my first 100 miler, and even longer after my second. Every time it felt like I got a bit of a boost that took me another step forward in recovery. My doctors and therapists have always said to keep going as long as it is helping. So I continue to run, and even if I start a run feeling drunk and “out of it”, after a few miles I start to feel normal, and right now that lasts for an hour or so. For the past several years, all of these issues have rarely been an issue. It is pretty crazy how different we all are, but that is what makes treatment so hard. There is no one best path forward. Best wishes to you.
As I was reading this, my literal thought was, ‘the solution is clearly more running.’…and then you started talking about running!
One thing different about this ‘setback’ is you know you’ve been better post-TBI in the past. That means you’re likely to be better in the future too.
As always, you’ve our support and understanding!