August 30th marked the 3 year anniversary of my crash. Wanting to put a positive spin on the day, Josh and I decided we would make reservations at a nice restaurant and celebrate all that we have made it through, but things didn’t quite work out as we had planned.

The day before, on the 29th, I had a full (for me) schedule. I spent the morning taking Kili out to play and going for a little run. Then I read a fascinating article, which I probably should not have read in one sitting. If you haven’t seen the article Julius Thomas wrote about why he is leaving football to pursue a PhD and study CTE, I highly recommend it.  Reading the whole thing left me feeling a little fried, but not terrible. That afternoon, my friend Brian drove me an hour up to Fort Collins to meet with a local veterinarian and record a podcast. I was feeling pretty good that day, and Brian and I chatted away on the drive up. In an effort to proactively help my brain, I built-in extra time to decompress after the drive. Brian dropped me off at a coffee shop where I bought an ice tea and then went for a little walk before heading to the clinic.

A veterinary classmate of mine had suggested I reach out to Dr. John Arnold with my story. He records Podcast a vet, and I had enjoyed listening to several of his podcasts. They are informal chats with veterinarians, and other veterinary professionals about career choices, direction, successes, failures, and personal stories. He started the podcast as a way to bring vets together and show that other people are struggling with the same things. To my veterinary colleagues that are reading this, I highly recommend taking a listen. John and I spent about 2 hours chatting away, which was probably mostly me yammering on way too much. Dr. Arnold asked about my experiences in vet school, and my career path after graduation. We actually talked for quite a while before we ever even reached the part of my story encompassed by this blog. For those interested in listening, it will probably be a few weeks before it is released, but I’ll share the link.

After the recording, Brian picked me up and we chatted the whole drive home. Arriving home shortly before me, Josh took one look at me and told me I had fried myself. I told him I was fine, and he pointed out my telltale wrinkled up forehead, once again proving that he knows when I have done too much earlier than I know. The next morning, on the three-year anniversary of the crash, it became quite clear that I had in fact done too much.

The alarm went off at 5:15am and we rolled out of bed to get ready for our Thursday morning hill workout. I felt awful. Dizzy and nauseous, I kept having to sit down on the floor to keep from falling over. I managed to eat some toast with almond butter and hoped I would feel better once I got moving. So often I have mornings that start this way, but if I can just get moving, my head clears up. We met the group, and I slowly jogged along at the back. I couldn’t talk to anyone, and had to walk through all the rocky sections. Josh dropped back to check on me, and I stopped running altogether, but continued to hike up the hill. There was a sort of out-of-body feeling, where my legs were moving, but I wasn’t actually connected to them. Instead of improving, I was clearly getting worse the farther we went, and we still needed to get back to the car.

The group was far ahead at this point, and I was giving up hope that the run would improve my symptoms. Josh and I sat down on a bench overlooking Eldorado Canyon. He put his arms around me, and we both cried. I’m not sure how to put into words the feelings of sadness, frustration, anger, disappointment, and hopelessness that come with sitting on a bench feeling as bad as ever and realizing it has been three entire years since the crash. There has been so much progress, and yet even three years later I can still be returned to those early days of recovery.

Slowly, we made our way out of the canyon and back to the car. Josh helped me stay upright as I tried to navigate the trail while my brain was on another planet. Once we were back home,  I crawled into bed in my running clothes and slept for a few hours. I woke up, ate some lunch, tried to fall over, and went back to bed for a couple more hours. By late afternoon I was finally feeling good enough to remain upright, but we still decided to cancel our dinner reservations. I wasn’t exactly in a “celebratory” mood.

We headed to our quiet local Indian restaurant. Over a plate of samosas, Josh asked me when I was going to stop “augering myself into the ground”. I can’t argue with him, because he is right, and it is a fairly accurate description of my behavior. I tend to do too much, and when I start getting symptomatic, I seem to push harder, trying squeeze every last drop of brain function out before I completely implode. My brain starts to unravel, and I fight it, like I’m doing now as I type this. I know I need to stop, but I just want to finish these thoughts. So the fact is that while I preach to everyone about how to take care of your brain, and how to take breaks, I’m terrible at looking after myself. Okay, I’m going to take a break for a few minutes…

Like I was saying…that is why after three years I still have horrible, “bad brain days”. At the same time, as many wonderful TBI friends pointed out to me, these are “bad days”. It is no longer every day, or even most days, like it was at the beginning. The bad days are fewer, and farther between, and I’m able to bounce back faster.

Last night, my friend Grace A. shared a little something she wrote, “all that’s lost, all that’s gained, all the gold I can mine from the dirt of it.” Recovery is dirty, but I have come so far,  I have a husband that stands by me, and continues to (literally) hold me up, and I will continue to look for gold through this process of recovery. And in an effort to not repeat this next year, I just put a notice on my Google calendar for August 29th to take it easy, so the 30th isn’t so terrible. Yes there will be bad days, but if I can avoid feeling completely horrendous on my crash anniversary that would be super.

Stay tuned for that podcast link, and as always don’t forget to subscribe to the blog to get all the latest posts. Feel free to comment or contact me with questions, stories, or topic requests.

Only 2 weeks until Run Rabbit Run 100!

-Kristin