In May of 2005, I graduated from vet school. For the last three and a half years my doctoral diploma from the Colorado State University College of Veterinary Medicine sat in a broken frame in the closet. It was a casualty of our last move, two months before my crash. As we unpacked from our recent move, I came across the frame. At first glance it looks okay, but one edge lay bare, with the finished surface cracked off. In many ways, this is me. If you meet me you would probably think I am fine. Whether or not you notice, and even after all the improvements, some things will never be the same.

That broken frame sat in a closet, partly because I didn’t know if I could ever return to veterinary medicine, and partly because I didn’t know if I wanted to. I guess there is part of me that thought if I couldn’t practice the way I did before, I would just start completely over, reinventing myself from the ground up, pursuing some other career. The biggest reasons for this were fear and pride. I was afraid of returning to practice. I was worried I’d have trouble speaking, and look like an idiot in front of clients. What if I didn’t remember how to treat different conditions, or what tests to run?  Under stress, what if  my mind just shut down?  If I’m completely honest, after an aggressive dog ran into my bike resulting in the brain injury that threw my world into disarray, aggressive dogs still terrify me. The second part of that was pride. Would I be embarrassed when I needed to ask for help? Would other doctors question my abilities? Would I feel like a new graduate? Funny enough, the answer to that last one is “no”, because honestly, I was much more confident in my abilities as a new grad, even if I was far less competent.

Now, as we have settled into our new home, I have decided it is time for reframing – of my career and my diploma. Returning to veterinary medicine as I previously practiced is still not an option, but I have improved significantly since my attempt two years ago. Working as a veterinarian can be fast paced, with long days, and emotionally draining interactions, and it also comes with all the above fears. While my current cognitive function will not allow me to practice the way I did before, it doesn’t mean I can’t practice at all.  As I stared at my diploma in the broken frame, I realized I need to figure out how to make all those years of education fit into the framework of my new reality. If all I can do is work part-time, it makes more sense to try and work part-time as a veterinarian than some other random job. This means facing my fears, swallowing my pride, and finding a clinic I can work part-time, in supportive environment, that is willing to accept my current limitations and provide mentorship when it is needed.

As it happens, one of the veterinarians that has worked at my old clinic for a very long time is relocating out of state. They asked me to come over to chat last week. We discussed their staffing needs and my limitations, and they offered me a job. They said I could work whatever days and hours I felt I could handle. Whether it was two longer days with more time off in between, or a few hours a day for several days a week, they were open to having me work in whatever capacity I am able. We discussed trying a few 5 hour shifts to see if I can handle those hours, and then we will adjust as needed. The current plan is to build to 18-20 hours a week, with no emergencies, no surgery, no dentistry, and always with another doctor in the building. I feel incredibly fortunate to receive this sort of offer and I feel like it is coming at exactly the right time. Their support, belief in my abilities, and eagerness to have me back means the world to me.

My diploma is in a new frame and once again hanging on the wall. It is time to see where it will get me.

I start back to work next Friday. In the meantime, we are now two months away from the Ramble Ride. I’ve been getting out on the gravel bike and am hoping two months is enough time to train. Over the weekend we got out for a couple rides, one of which had a very bumpy, rough section. It was short, but it was enough to make my brain feel pretty terrible and I told Josh I hope the Ramble route doesn’t have much of that sort of terrain, or I am in trouble. Right now I’m feeling like I could use more time, but two months is what I have, so I’ll do what I can and hope it is enough.

It is 64 days until my TBI to 200! Time to get off the computer and start pedaling.