After what seemed to be an extra long winter, spring seems to have finally arrived here and the wildflowers are going crazy.  It seems that with the change of seasons has come a new season for me as well. While Josh and I were out on an evening ride last week we stopped to watch a gorgeous sunset over Stearns Lake. It was sort of surreal to think that after nearly 4 years of recovery I’m back at work and doing evening date night rides. For that moment it felt that maybe the last four years have been some weird dream that I have finally woken up from and returned to “normal life”. Or that someone had pushed the “pause” button on our life, and now we have picked up where we left off.

Two weeks ago I returned to work at my old clinic. I’m working six hour shifts, three days a week. The doctors and staff at the clinic have been very supportive, offering help and answering my questions without judgement. There are some things that seem second nature, and some that I find myself struggling with a bit, but for the most part it feels good and I have made it through the shifts without getting symptomatic. So many of my TBI friends have wished me well, and said they are excited for me, and I find myself feeling guilty. I suppose it is sort of a “survivors guilt”. Why have I improved enough to go back to work? Why am I now able to do so much more than I could, while friends who have been recovering just as long, if not longer, are still struggling? Have I done something different? Have I seen better doctors or therapists? No, I don’t think so. I don’t have an answer for any of these questions, but whatever the reason, I definitely feel that it isn’t fair.

Every brain injury is different. There are no magic solutions, treatments or cures. There are things we can do to help aid recovery, but unfortunately, time is what we need. It might be two weeks, two years, or two decades, and there is no way to predict our recovery timeline. While I do know that we don’t improve if we don’t push ourselves, I know that so many of my friends ARE pushing themselves. People are trying anything and everything, and there is no obvious reason why some people improve faster. Of course “faster” is a relative term, because nearly 4 years of recovery hasn’t felt very fast.

I doubt there will ever be a day when I can say I am “recovered”. This will always be a process of recovery, and while I have improved enough to return to work, my brain injury isn’t magically gone. As if to remind me of this fact, I felt pretty awful most of Memorial Day. Granted, some of this was probably due to barometric pressure changes with the violent afternoon thunder storms we’ve been having, but some was also self-inflicted. After working on Friday, I got in a nice post-work bike ride with a friend. Feeling pretty confident with myself, I decided I was ready to push myself for the holiday weekend.

Saturday of Memorial Weekend, I got in 51 miles with steep washboard gravel climbs, and a rowdy singletrack section that I would have preferred a bike with a little more suspension. Since my gravel bike has zero suspension, anything would have helped.  When it gets really bumpy my eyes don’t track well and I really can’t see the trail. With very sore legs, on Sunday I took my road bike up Squaw Pass, for a long high altitude climb. The trip up was great, other than my legs crying a bit from Saturday’s efforts. The way down was different. Josh and I used to ride Squaw Pass frequently, and I loved to rip down the long 14 mile descent, where it was easy to keep up with the cars. Post-brain injury though, it was pretty scary. I’m simply not comfortable at high speeds. The little bit of crosswind at the top section was really a challenge for my balance and I felt very unsteady. By the time we reached the bottom I was disoriented and nauseous, and couldn’t walk a straight line. Thankfully the portapotty near our car was handicap accessible with handles, otherwise I’m pretty sure I would have fallen in! That vertigo lasted all evening and through the next day.

It is always important to test the limits of recovery, as we only improve when we keep pushing. However, all too often I find the edge as I go sailing off it and crashing down below. Now that I am going back to work, I need to be a bit more cautious about pushing those limits. I can’t spend Monday in bed with my head spinning all day when I am scheduled to be at the clinic. For now, I’ll stick with shorter climbs and descents on the bike, at least on the days before I’m working.

However, since I don’t work on Wednesdays, I decided to push myself a bit with my first bike race last night. Josh works for PEARL iZUMi, a cycling apparel brand, and they put on Tuesday Night Thunder, a criterium race every Tuesday night through the summer. It is a casual event, part training race, part social gathering. I gave it a go last night and it went better than expected. A criterium is a short loop course, so there is basically a corner every 30 seconds. That is a lot of cornering. The fast people in the “A” race take those corners full speed and it is frightening for me to even watch! I’m not fast, and I’m especially not fast on the corners. I raced with the “C” group, which was 20 minutes of full gas effort. Between the cornering and the high intensity, I was starting to feel the world tilting a bit, and I pulled the plug with two laps to go. The vertigo I felt after the race and this morning told me I made the right call. It was a fun evening though, and I might try again next week.

To all my TBI friends – I am grateful for the support, understanding, companionship, laughs and tears we have shared these past years. Though I won’t be able to attend all our classes, brunches, and coffee dates, I’ll come whenever I can and continue to celebrate the milestones as we all continue our recovery. For all of you following the blog that I have never met, your messages have touched me. I never expected this blog to reach so many people, and yes I will continue to write and share my story as I start this next chapter.

Only 43 days until the Ramble Ride.  TBI to 200!

p.s. For those runners out there, yes, I am still running and got in a great 20 miler at Heil Valley Ranch with friends on Saturday. Never fear, the bike is fun, but I’ll always be a runner.